Rez of the Week – Patch Notes (3.3.3)

If you have tuned in for awhile you might have read my take on Patch 3.3.  If not its worth a read in my opinion, in fact I’d say it was my most favorite post EVA!  I had a lot of fun writing it and so I’m gonna try doing it again.

And so…

It begins.

PvP (this section read in Italian mobster voice)

  • We make a new game for you.  We not announce it yet so in meantime we make this one easy, yes?  You keel guy.  We give you honor.  Moar honor.  Moar honor than eva be four!
  • First… we made random dungeon finder great.
    Then, we made random raid finder amazing!
    Now, we make random pvp astounding!
  • Okay, truthfully?  I not give fuck about you.  PvP can (see Priest).

Dungeons & Raids.

Culling of Straholme

  • Remember how awesome this was when you started?
    Remember how awesome it was after the 5th time?
    Remember how awesome it was after the 50th time?
    Remember how awesome…
    Wait… I see where this is going…
    Okay, you can skip it.

Icecrown Citadel

  • Blood Queen Anal Lana – Now with half the leakage at twice the speed! (inappropriate much?)
  • That buff we made so the suck could do ICC?  It now buffs pets and Power Word: Shield.  Will hunters and disc priests stfu now?

World Event Bosses

  • Does Azuregos even fucking spawn anymore?  Who cares… why is this relevant?  Oh nm, it has to do with nerd points… let me find Marisse* to translate.
    .
    (translating Marisse into english)
    .
  • Okay, here’s the breakdown yo.  Ya’ know how you summon every alt on every account you have access to so that you can summon the headless waste of fucking time a billion times for his mount?  Welp, now you can just reset the shit over and over.  That’s right you silly farmers.  Summon that bitch til your fingers bleed.
  • But wait!  There’s moar!  Special loot like headless bitches mount don’t drop off the mob anymore hahahahaha
  • srsly
  • I’m not kidding.
  • They drop in special boxes you can only get once per day thus eliminating your reason for having 400 alts.
  • Somewhere… Marisse, Queen of the Nerds is weeping.

Classes: General

  • Along time ago we told you that aura like buffs have to be 45 yds.  There was no reason to change this and we have stuck by it.  We want people to have to pay attention… /breaks on.  No one reads what we say here, just bold the next line and that’s all they’ll see.
    .
    Auras increased to 100 yds!  All hail Blizzard!

Death Knights

  • Information provided for the 7 death knight mains that theory craft on elitist jerks.  The rest of you can wait a few weeks for them to tell you how to spec / play / glyph and suck less.  The only thing you should concern yourself with is that you are broken.  Not broken in a, that clock is always fast sort of way.  Broken in the sense that hey, that ATM is spitting money at me sort of way.
    .
  • Relevant info?
  • Frost Spec R Guder
  • Blood Spec R Nerf Guder
  • Unholy Spec… if you talent Scourge Strike it now comes with a token to get a slap chop (must be redeemed via a sucklety rouge)!
    – This ability also allows you to make rouges look silly as your DPS is the good kind of lawlz.
    -Dance for us rouge!  Dance!

DrOOdz

  • Nature’s Grasp now has 3 charges!  Christ on a cracker someone call the nerf police!  (I have no idea WTF this spell does)
  • Boom-Chicken – Thanks to industrial lubricants preening now allows for a slicker ride for Starfall (read: we increased it sooo much we’ll nerf it in a week when the QvQers PvPers complain about the 5man boom chicken groups haxing the world.)
  • Typhoon, now with more phoon.
  • Thanks to Doctor Moreau, mangle is being replaced by friggin’ lazerz!

HunTards

  • Beasties can also thank Doc Moreau for advances in pet science.  While we don’t have a liger yet we have managed to make you not suck so much.  It isn’t FDA approved but hell… you can always tame another one!

Magi (crackling lightning sound effect)

  • Frostbolt, so cold it makes the Lich King go brrrrr….
    .

    .
  • ARCANE MOAR ARCANEY!
  • FIRE MOAR FIREY!
  • FROST MOAR FROSTY
    (please don’t misinterpret this as a raid viable spec)!

Priests

  • Suck it.

Rouges

  • Sucklety… All talents replaced with slap chop.
  • Slap Chop – All weapon attacks replaced by the 2 handed slap chop combo attack.
    1 Combo Point – Big chunks for feeding Ligers.
    2 Combo Point – Cubes mobs for easy storage.
    3 Combo Point – Salad.
    4 Combo Point – Someone will love your nuts.
    5 Combo Point – Scourge Strike

SHAMAN!

  • FLAME SHOCK IS LOUDER NOW!

Warlocks

  • Life Tap changed.  You now piss off healers faster!
  • Demonology – You still have that buff, its range is bigger!
    /tickle /tickle /tickle

Warriors

  • Thunder Clapper now turns on lights in your neighbors house twice as fast!
  • Arms – Two arms, One weapon, someone can snatch it, Trauma replaced by friggin’ lazerz.
  • Fury – See Priest.
  • Protection – Lawls, you wuz too gud in QvQ.  We nerf.  You’z get moar health though!

Items

  • In an attempt to combat the $$$ for loot lash back we will sucker you into accepting these new items from Adult Film Star, Frozo the Reknowned.  He will now trade you useful stuff for Frozen Orbs in an attempt to finance Bring It On 7: Pants on the Ground.
  • Glyph makers get to count the gold rolling in.
  • Glyph buyers get to count the gold rolling out.
  • Priest Tier 10 4 Piece Bonus (healing) – We are srsly out of ideas.  Please apply for a job at Blizzard.com.
  • Shaman Tier 10 4 Piece Bonus (elemental) – FLAME SHOCK 74 TIMES LOUDER!

Professions

  • Cataclysm is due out this year.  We will be nerfing recipes so that everyones alts are geared and ready to level.
  • Fishing… (read: stuff)
  • Inscription… (read: stuff)
  • Mining… (read: stuff)
  • Tailoring… (read: wait, i have this one!)
    – Glacial Bag now invokes… WHAT?!  7 day cooldown?
    – Moonshroud / Spell & Ebonweave can now be made anywhere.  Because flying to Dragonblight was a bitch.

UI

  • UI stands for User Interface.
  • I wish I could make this up… “All Alert pop-ups now have new and fresh Alert icons!”
  • AH stands for Auction House.
    – Crazy shit is going in the Hizzy!  Stacks and right clicking and math!  Quick, someone call the wizard!
  • Dungeon Finder –
    – Deserters piss us off.  We have slap chops.  Don’t make us use them.
    – You can now tell the person with the 3 digit gearscore why you are kicking them from the group.
    – Three digit gearscore make you laugh?  Just you wait.  Level restrictions has been relaxed.
  • Quest Tracking –
    – After we destroyed the countless people who made a living selling addons that told you where to go to level we decided we would spend some cackles on updating the quest tracking.  The frame can now grow in size.  Please, hold your applause.
    – You can also now sort it by most / least difficult quest and closest in proximity.  Why?  Because we haven’t fully implemented the pay for your max level toon yet.

Technical

  • Zero one zero zero one one ET phone home!

Bug Fixes

  • Hmm… it would seem that someone
  • does read this stupid section.
  • You know I was
  • called
  • a liar about the Land Walker?
  • Srsly.
  • A liar.
  • It hurt my feelings guys.  You should apologize.
  • Did you know that Jepetto Joybuzz is actually the name of the Land Walkers patented crab undies?  Betcha didn’t.
  • Did you know that the Land Walker has consumed 1.3 metric fucktons of 2-point slap chop’d forum trolls?  Didya?  DIDYA?!
  • I thought not.
  • Now don’t question me again.
  • 4 srs
  • I will go Final Fantasy on your ass an summon the Land Walker to bring the thunder.

* – Marisse is our foremost expert on nerd points.  She lives a solitary life but advances the nerd point sciences in ways most can’t imagine. (back to where you were)

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13 thoughts on “Rez of the Week – Patch Notes (3.3.3)

  1. Shiningstar says:

    Just…wow. Reading this was better to wake me up than a cup of coffee. I don’t think I’ll even bother reading the real patch notes, I feel so informed. (Ha, as if I usually read the real patch notes.)

  2. Shiningstar says:

    Oh, and my favorite part? Typhoon, now with more phoon. In my half-awake state that somehow triggered a case of the giggles.

  3. Shadowfaux says:

    best freaking post evah !!!!

    copy / paste
    **************
    # Okay, here’s the breakdown yo. Ya’ know how you summon every alt on every account you have access to so that you can summon the headless waste of fucking time a billion times for his mount? Welp, now you can just reset the shit over and over. That’s right you silly farmers. Summon that bitch til your fingers bleed.
    # But wait! There’s moar! Special loot like headless bitches mount don’t drop off the mob anymore hahahahaha
    # srsly
    # I’m not kidding.
    # They drop in special boxes you can only get once per day thus eliminating your reason for having 400.
    # Somewhere… Marisse, Queen of the Nerds is weepin
    *********************
    I actually could not stop laughing after this part. I had to take a 10 min break before i read the rest of your post…..poor Marisse especially with her pregnancy , she is not going to take it well…..

    lol still

  4. Good job 🙂 lol great post.

    … I do wonder if they are buffing ICC more this week or if they are going to do it like every month or so.

  5. xeonio says:

    @Shindig: lol ❤

    @Shadowfaux: You know she is having twins right? I wonder if she'll name them Tank and Spank.

    @Logtag: TY sir =)

    @Betsy: You know how hard it was to find that? The only video from the movie I could find was from the Toros doing it and the Clovers video was someone recording their TV.

    @Conifer: Yes, they are Blizzard approved.(I'm lying, don't ban me plz!)

  6. Zeah says:

    You’ve gloriously captured how priests were treated in this patch…well played 🙂

    Priests

    * Suck it.

    Priest Tier 10 4 Piece Bonus (healing) – We are srsly out of ideas. Please apply for a job at Blizzard.com.

  7. Zeah says:

    p.s. after reading your original review of the patch notes of 3.3, I was hoping you would do review of 3.3.3…they are outstanding, once again.

    /salute

  8. xeonio says:

    =) TY Zeah, I’m really glad you liked it. I was afraid I wouldn’t live up to the first set but they turned out much better than I was hoping.

  9. Auraela says:

    Furthering the ‘suck it’ priests got. In addition to doing ‘NOTHING’ to the class, they apparently seemed to have broken Spirit of Redemption so that some spells terminate it more quickly. Woohoo!!!

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