Rez of the Week – Patch Notes (3.3)

There’s been a bit of a drought here.  For Thanksgiving Kahnti flew in to visit myself and some other guildies that live in my town so we partied it up for about a week. Then Delinia’s daughter thought it would be kewl to bring the flying pig flu or some shit (read: minor cold) home from school and share it with everyone.  But I had complications that turned into a nasty sinus infection that led to losing my voice and a smokers wheezing cough. I’m still recovering but I figure I might as well milk it while I got it!

Then I go to check F’ing MMO Champs and their all like… 3.3 isn’t officially coming out tomorrow but since I’m sleeping with Ghostcrawler he told me it was.  Now, you can read the patch notes here OR you can read the edited version brought to you by me.

Without further ado…

WoW Patch 3.3 (the patch with sleeves!)

General:
Icecrown Citadel

  • New 5 player dungeons that will allow you to skip all earlier tiers of raiding, gearing up in minutes!
  • Now you can kill Arthas (in about 6 months when we ‘release’ him cuz yea… he’s not really done yet so we’ll call it gating).

Other General Shit

  • Why are you reading this section?  Its filled with things about dazing your lvl 5 alt and character creation.  You should be reading up on your class so you can RAID RAID RAID!

Classes: General

  • AoE Caps:  We’re nerfing this.  We’re going to give you simple math in a complex way so that it only vaguely sounds like a nerf.
  • Something about lvl 1 players and autoattack… some shit about glancing blows, some regen stuff, reduced mana costs, how you can buy snow cones in Gnomer that make your shit not stink.
  • Taunt Diminishing Returns will no longer wipe ur raid cuz we’re changing it to 5 instead of 3. k thx bai

Races: General

  • See Other General Shit

PvP

  • Someone QQ’d about being pew pew’d so we nerf bat’d them which fucked your raid spec, suck it up nancy.

Dungeons and Raids (this should have been the first thing you started reading)

  • Naxx: Since everyone is like… going to Naxx n’ shit now we decided to put in a teleporter so you can get OUT of Sapphiron’s room.  You also don’t need to kill the 4 wings anymore… cuz ya know… Naxx is the new Oculus.
  • Oculus:  Upon zoning in you will be rewarded with all achievements and all loot and all boss kills and phat epicz.  Srsly.  Stop fucking whining.

Death Knight

  • We’ve reduced the dmg on attack A but increased the dmg on attack B.  This will cause a slight change in rotations and specs making it seem very significant, but ultimately be a DPS increase for DKs.

drOOdz

  • Rebirth is now 10mins from 20mins so bringing a raid full of druids is srsly fucking hawt.
  • Rejuv, the base duration is 15 seconds on all ranks… (cuz we are letting haste effect it… how hawt is that!)
  • Tranquility is now 8mins instead of 10mins (read: New encounters will last 16 minutes).
  • Balance – Something about eclipse.
  • Feral – Something about predatory strikes.
  • Restoration – haste doesn’t effect you enough… now it does… go be OP plz.

Huntards

  • Misdirection: Gravy train visited, now no longer sux.
  • Beast Mastery – …wait… someone is this spec?
  • Pets – (Xeo’s Note: It lists all this stuff about abilities I’ve never heard of and never seen… I think this might not be real.)

Mage

  • We fix u!
  • Arcane: MOAR DPS!
  • Fire: MOAR DPS!
  • Frost: what?

Paladin

  • DI removes exhaustion / sated from a target if the person is not in combat or in your raid.  In addition the cooldown on this ability has been reduced from 20mins to RIGHT FUCKING NOW!  You cannot use this in arenas… (don’t you want to stay alive in an arena?)
  • LOH: Paladins are not rappers.  They do not pray to their own god.  Now when a paladin LOH’s themselves one item in their bags or equipped will be randomly deleted.
  • Holy – FoL buff, spammage increased.
  • Prot / Ret – nothing important, move along.

Priest

  • In an effort to increase all fights to 16 minutes we are reducing the cooldown on Divine Hymn to 8mins (from 10).
  • PW:S… oh shit… we can cast it on non raid / party members now!  Why would you be casting it on people not in your raid / party?
  • Shadow – Srsly… this shit is hawt.  I’m an F’ing disc priest and I think this is amazing.  Get this.  When you are in shadow form then haste will effect devouring plague and vampiric touch.  This means srsly moar dmg from ur dots.
  • Vampiric Embrace is now a buff on yourself instead of having to be applied to every flippin’ mob.

Rogue

  • Why r u using swords and axes?!  Rogues have daggers.  Stabby stabby… does it from behind… yea, didn’t do that with an axe.  Ass ass ination tree is now buffed and does sick dmg.  This will stay in til next patch when we buff DKs causing them to make you look silly again.
  • Sbutting… subletting… submission… whatever that 3rd spec is where you stealth better is being changed.  New 51pt talent will turn you into a unicorn.

Shaman

  • Fire Nova Totem is no longer a totem.  It is spell.  Not totem.  Spell.
  • Minor talent changes, nothing worth mentioning.
  • Fire Nova is a new spell (not a totem).  It does the same thing… cept from you… not the totem.
  • Cuz its a spell.

Warlock

  • Upon logging in you will be offered the chance to reroll as any other class at the same level.  If you choose not to your account will be deleted and your bank account emptied.  Raiding guilds might laugh at you (not cuz you suck, but because you are funny looking).  They will probably still take you though, no one else can give out candy or summon slackers.
  • Affliction – See Priest – Shadow… but not as kewl (cuz ur not a priest).
  • Demonology – You have kewl buffs that everyone loves.  Your dps still sucks.
  • Destruction – If you wanted to be a mage you should have rolled one.
  • Note:  I don’t actually raid with any locks so I have no idea how good or bad they are.

Warrior

  • You can wield two fucking two handed weapons… what else do you need?!

User Interface

  • 01101110 01101111 00100000 01101001 01100100 01100101 01100001 00100000 01110111 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01110100 01100001 01101100 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100001 01100010 01101111 01110101 01110100
  • Dungeon Finder – It’s kewl.  Much kewler than the LFG system.  TRY IT!!!
  • Looking For Raid – Like the Dungeon Finder… only kewler.  WAY kewler than LFG system (which we are fixing, cuz its not as kewl).

Professions

  • Doesn’t matter.  If you raid then you should be a JCer.  Next best is probably BSing and then Alchemy.  Someone in your guild is already an enchanter, they don’t need you stealing their gold.

Quests

  • 6 old white dudes will tell you to go kill someone (probably someone in Naxx so we can use the new teleporter stones to Saph!) and it will allow you to win Emblems of Arthas’ Mom.

Nerd Points

  • There’s a buncha new ones and stuff… ask Marisse, I don’t read this language.

Reputations

  • Cataclysm is getting closer so we’re making it easier to get rep… about 30% easier.

Items

  • Glyph of (insert ability) changed since we are making the spell suck less than it used to.
  • 24 slot bags now for sell from that lady that sold the other bags back in TBC (read: The Burning Crusade, we vanquished them so no need to worry bout it).

Bug Fixes

  • No one reads this part of the
  • Patch notes so we are going to tell some creepy little story
  • About how Ghostcrawler is actually a second generation werecrab as
  • He was born from a
  • Mom that was a REAL werecrab.  Think of it like Blade how his mommy was bitten by vamps
  • and he became the day walker.  Ghostcrawler is the land walker.

Servers will be up in approximately 1 – 3 days, possibly probably buggy.  If you have a problem with it, we don’t care.  We have 11,999,999 other people who don’t give a fuck.  You might like this game instead.

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13 thoughts on “Rez of the Week – Patch Notes (3.3)

  1. Shiningstar says:

    It feels so wonderful having someone like you, Xeo, to break it down for those of us too lazy to read the patch notes for ourselves. I can’t thank you enough. The highlights for me: I can buy snowcones in Gnomer?!? Woohoo. Can’t wait to get in there. Second, the PW:S change. When would I want to cast that on someone not in my party? When I’m running through some lowbie area and I see some little guy getting gnawed on by a herd of bears (what DO you call a group of bears anyway?) I can put a little safety shield on him. Oh, and when I’m standing outside Ony at the stone and someone is getting ganked. I can bubble them then. OK maybe I wouldn’t do it in the second case, but I definitely would in the first case. I know you would say, “let the lowbie die, Shindig. What kills them makes them stronger.” But you know how I am.

  2. xeonio says:

    I can’t tell you how much fun I had writing these.

    Does this mean that when we had Ashuryn, Dariar, Zantruth, and Kahnti all running as bears we had a sloth of tanks?

  3. Addy says:

    I liked:

    Looking For Raid – Like the Dungeon Finder… only kewler. WAY kewler than LFG system (which we are fixing, cuz its not as kewl).

    ’cause that was the way I read that section in the patch notes.

  4. Kackler says:

    Shaman

    * Fire Nova Totem is no longer a totem. It is spell. Not totem. Spell.
    * Minor talent changes, nothing worth mentioning.
    * Fire Nova is a new spell (not a totem). It does the same thing… cept from you… not the totem.
    * Cuz its a spell.

    fucking win!

  5. daemia says:

    Huntards

    * Misdirection: Gravy train visited, now no longer sux.
    * Beast Mastery – …wait… someone is this spec?
    * Pets – (Xeo’s Note: It lists all this stuff about abilities I’ve never heard of and never seen… I think this might not be real.)

    I didn’t think you believed in any Hunter ability besides AutoShot.

  6. Conifer says:

    Sometimes I see hunters casting blizzard. But AutoShot and Blizzard. I think those are the only 2 Hunter abilities.

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