Porn Store Confessional Randomness

Just random daily events from my job at the porn store.

Disclaimer:  I have no intention of hurting anyones feelings or anything like that.  This is just the random wackadoo stuff that happens that I find funny.  No names are given or anything like that so sorry for any offense I might give to someone (which shouldn’t happen since no one knows its you).

1.  A lady brings an item to the counter and says, “What are these?”  The front of the packaging says Golf Tees.  I say, “Golf Tees.”  She looks at me and asks, “It looks like I’m supposed to put something on top of it?”  I assume she was asking a question so I answered, “Yes, you put a golf ball on them.”

Edit: Added a picture of the golf tees.

2.  It’s easier to just copy and paste this from my MSN messenger… be warned the text isn’t SFW.

WIL
- OMFGOMFGOMFGOMFGOMFGOMFGOMFG
- This lady just came in and asked for help.
- so I was like okay sure
- She started telling me things.
- horrible
- horrible
- things

BETSY
- …

WIL
- She was telling me she was into double penetration which I was okay with. Didn’t freak me out too much… w/e floats your boat.
- It was just thinking of a girl doing DP that kind of disturbed me.
- THEN
- THEN!!!!!
- She tells me her boyfriend has a fetish.
- I was like I’ve heard it all.
- I’ll do what I can to help you find what you need ya know.
- IT’S POOP!
- He wants her to poo on him.
- HE WANTS HER TO POO ON HIM!
- /shudder
- /vomit
- She wanted to know if we had anything that would assist her in putting things in there like fruit or something he could eat out.
- I hope that ruins your breakfast / lunch / dinner.

BETSY
- yeah. that would be what is called in the vernacular OVERSHARE lady
- dear god

Ya know, to each there own and far be it from me to be judgmental and I probably asked for it by offering my help but jeezy creezy.

3.  Lady walks in with her 18 yr old daughter to buy a dirty santa gift.  The dirty santa party is apparently at school so I’m guessing it wasn’t in a classroom?  Anyway, I was having to decide whether to be the adult and tell the lady it would be best NOT to let her daughter get edible panties and a vibrator for a SCHOOL function.  Luckily I didn’t have to though when the lady attempted to pay with her sisters credit card and then proceeded to cuss me out because I wouldn’t take it.

4.  ”What do you mean the baby can’t come in?”  He said.  ”Sorry, state law, it could cost me my job.” I said.  ”I thought the baby was a baby ya know?” He mumbled as he leaned out the door to spit out some chew. “I didn’t think the baby was a kid.”

5.  ”Do you have a sit n’ spin?” The lady asked when she came in the store.  I thought she meant something like this [NSFW].  I showed her what we had and she said, “OMG No, I’m not giving that to a 5yr old!” then she quickly ran out of the store proclaiming she didn’t realize what kind of store we were.  She was actually looking for this.

6.  We have a display setup in the store for a brand we carry and in that display are some vibes that have batteries so you can turn them on and see them go.  I got a big shipment of that brand and was straightening up the display when I got a closer look at one of the vibes.

Do you see those indentions?  Yea… those are teeth marks.  TEETH MARKS!  First of all do you know how many people have touched that vibrator?  Literally hundreds of people have touched it.  You might as well the doorknob to a public restroom.  /shudder

IRL: Shoplifting Chick Returns…

Everyday I really have to wonder just how pissed off I can get at absolutely fucking stupid people.  It’s a good thing I’m not judgmental right?  The fucking whore from earlier last week kind of returned… let me explain.

A lady just came back in and was trying to return some stuff she got as a gift.  I immediately recognized the stuff and realized one of the outfits was actually a stolen outfit.  The cunt gave away the stuff she actually paid for to her niece.

I was of course… raging.  I didn’t think it through very well and let her know that we didn’t take stuff back sorry and that the lady who bought that stuff had actually stolen some things while she was in here.

The girl just looked at me like… uhm… sorry?

If I had thought it out better I might ask for the ladies name.

Maybe I could have mentioned that she was in here the other day with her boyfriend and her pill head nephew who was trying to sell me drugs.

I really need anger management.

IRL: Soon to be Dead Husbands

People tend to say the funniest shit sometimes when they are in here.  A story from awhile back…

A man came in and started asking questions about cock rings.  He seemed informed on how they worked but wasn’t sure which was a good one.  I asked if it was medical (diabetes, hypertension, etc.) and he said no.  He explained to me that since he got married a few months ago his wife had put on 50 lbs.  He just wasn’t into it anymore.  I laughed a bit, he laughed, and I asked if she had switched jobs or something and he informed me that when they were dating she ordered salads.  Now, they are married and she orders steak.  So wrong… lol, so wrong.

A guy came in this morning that reminded me of that.  He told his wife he was coming to the store and that she had asked for some type of panties.  I started naming off types… Crotchless?  No.  Boyshort?  No.  G string?  No.  That was pretty much all the types we have, our panties are meant to be sexy.  He said she thought she had said Spanks and he asked if I knew what they were.  I told him they are basically like a guys compression shorts / shirts.  They kinna suck the fat in and hold everything together.

“Well she definitely needs that!”  he said.

I roflcopter’d and told him to make sure not to say that in front of her.  He quickly looked around, panic mode starting to set in, and told me if she had heard that she’d probably destroy him right here on the spot.

What to do…

Welp… I’m done with WoW now (even if I’m still reading up on all the pretty things they are doing).  Did you see the shaman changes posted over at MMO Champs?  Moving while casting?  Neat isn’t it.  AE heal?  I’m not sure I’m keen on the dispel mechanics changes but you’ll just have to wait and see how it plays out.

Deep Healing: Your direct heals will do more healing when the target’s health is lower. This will scale to damage (e.g. someone at 29% health would receive more healing than someone at 30%) rather than have arbitrary break points.

The Deep Healing ability (the mastery thing from going resto) seems REALLY OP when you combine in chain heal.  Shaman healing is going to get sick pretty fast.  You add in the fact that haste not only effects the cast speed (I think it still will) but also mana regen and I can’t think of a better, gooey’er stat.

Priests with life grip… holy god.  I’d consider coming back just for that spell alone.  The other stuff… neat, sure, but the ability to make other people fail less…. /tear.

Anyway…

The point of this post though.  I want to continue blogging but I’m a bit torn on how to do it.  I originally started blogging back in 2007 off and on.  It was kind of 1/2 assed attempt and wasn’t too great.  I didn’t put nearly as much effort into it as I have with this blog which is why giving it up isn’t necessarily something I want to do.

1. I could continue writing on Rez the Weak.  Flip its focus to my IRL and alienate most of my reader base that only reads for the silly stuff I have to say about WoW.
2. Put up a link to my old blog that I used to write and go back to it, effectively starting over which isn’t a pro I’m looking forward to.

I’m mostly considering just doing number 1 though.

A bit of back story…

I manage an adult toy store, think Victoria’s Secret with vibrators.  I like to relate some of the crazy shit that happens to me at work.  I never mention names, I don’t want anyone hurt or anything like that but a lot of the stuff is rather funny to me.   Here is my post from Monday over at my other blog.  If you hate it, let me know because like I said I’m mainly leaning towards number 1.

Titled: Fucking whore

OMFG I hate people.  Seriously, if you are going to steal shit then go some where else.  I get so sick of dealing with people its regoddamdiculous.

Anyway…

Last week I had been pretty good.  I had been getting up early enough to eat breakfast and watch a bit of Tele, wake myself up ya know.  Well, this morning I woke up late.  Barely had time to feed my holy terror that is a dog and my cat that I swear to god… if she keeps meowing I’m gonna cut her.  I dragged my ass to work ASAP and realized I hadn’t had breakfast.

STARVING!

10:50 rolls around and I’m just waiting for it to hit 11.  That way I can run next door and get some yummy lunch.  Luckily for me at around 10:55 a bunch of fucking drug addicts come in the fucking door.  How do I know they are drug addicts?

“Heya man, we’re just gonna look around.”  The guy that weighs 8 lbs. and looks like Skeletor’s aborted son says.  “I don’t suppose you know anyone who wants to buy some pills?”

no…..

He’s walking around in here asking me questions while this lady, who I find out later is his aunt, is roaming around with some guy.  She was mostly nice if not scatter brained (hello, meth) but I was nice to her even though I wanted her crotch rot smelling self out of my store.  Fucking whore.  I’m so pissed at her.

I helped her find some stuff in the store and when she gets to the register she only has 2 items.  She was carrying around WAY more than that, at least 3 other items.  I asked her if she decided against the items and she said she didn’t want ‘em and hung ‘em back up.  Which she didn’t.  I could physically see the spots they hang and they weren’t fucking there.

I couldn’t just say, hey you silly cow, where the fuck is my product?  That would get me fired.  She paid for the few items she had and left.

I roamed around looking for them again, just in case and thats when I found an empty hanger where she had been fussing around.  She stole a fucking outfit to!

That isn’t the only thing this merry bunch of addicts taught me.  Skeletor’s son was looking at penis pumps and asking a lot of questions, as any man who wants a larger penis (regardless of size, that is all of us), and so I answered them.  He said, wow this one goes up to 20 inches!  Yea I said, but if you can fill that you don’t need it lol.  He said nah, I’m already packing 10 inches but I’m kinna skinny and I want it fatter.  Can you prove it I asked (in my mind).

It gets better though.  His phone rang and I often tell peeps they have to answer it and say where they were at.  He said oh no, I can’t do that.  You see that lady over there?  That’s my aunt.  The guy on the phone is her husband.  I had a queer look on my face (not the lustful kind, the wha? kind) and he said the guy in the store with her is her boyfriend.

Did I already call her a fucking whore?

Yea, my day has been great so far… not even noon and I want to burn down someones house already.  I can’t wait to see how this goes!

Edit:  Just gonna mention that you can post anonymously as well if you don’t like the direction I plan to take.  I do honestly want your feedback.